I don’t know why I was thinking about this, and this is horrible Friday material, but when the last time I did something out of the goodness of my heart was (yes, my heart has goodness) . Opening doors for old ladies, giving a homeless person spare change, wearing underwear, etc. these things don’t count. I’m talking about seriously doing something positive for another human being, regardless of how those actions will affect you personally. This means volunteering at a soup kitchen on a Saturday morning for a program that your investment bank requires you to do, hungover as shit from the night before, feverishly perspiring, blue (frost) Gatorade in one hand ladle in the other, DOES NOT COUNT. Lets be honest we’ve all be there (no I don’t work at an investment bank, but I know the routine). I’m just as guilty here which is probably why I’m writing about it. In my sick mind publicly exploiting this moral dilemma somehow justifies the fact that I haven’t done anything for anyone in a very long time.
You see I know this because I can remember exactly when the last time it was I did do something ‘charitable’ (to use the most pretentious word I can think of in the English nomenclature). June 12th, 2004. I was home from college for the summer and decided I needed to have a makeshift office in my bedroom ( I felt very important then so not much has changed). I acquired, through various modes of acquisition, all necessary items that constitute a summer homeoffice/bedroom; save one. The Office Chair. Historically in the United States, a fine office chair represents the pinnacle achievement in our capitalist society. The rich leather, combined with sweet mahogany wood finishing, screams overachievement and success (both monetarily and socially). You can imagine my excitement when, during a garage sale (it’s a midwest thing), I found what can now be described as the “perfect office chair.” It was going to be placed in my homeoffice/bedroom and I was going to finally show my parents that even though I was a moronic undergraduate, who’s tuition was milking them for every penny they’d ever earned, I too had achieved a big part of the modern American Dream (which is of course to be rich and tell everyone else to fuck off).
So I’m there with my glorious chair, already bought & paid for in cash ( $40), and I’m wheeling it out to my American made car with a shiteating grin when out of nowhere I’m jumped by a funny old man (he honestly had great one-liners). This guy was pushing 85-90 yrs old easy at the time. Anyway he tells me he’s been scouring garage sales throughout the city in search of the perfect “office chair” and he can tell just by looking that I’ve got the one he needs. FUCK. What was I supposed to do, throw the chair in my trunk and speed off leaving bob hope with his wrinkly dick in his hand (ha this is getting ridiculous)? Before I got really upset I remember having a moment of clarity and thinking, DAN. You are the asshole here, not wrinkly dick. Life is not always about you and it’s designed that way for a reason: so that we can be kind and generous to one another, setting aside our own personal gains (I read that somewhere).
Anyway to wrap up my ramblings I gave wrinkly dick my office chair. No one saw it. No one knows about it and that’s that. But I’ll tell you, and this and this is the Gods honest truth, about a year later when I was home again for the summer I ran into wrinkly dick at the local Kroger (can’t get more Midwest than that). He approached and recognized me and told me the chair was working out wonderfully. We chatted for a bit and that was it. I walked out of the supermarket that day having gained three things, 1) A Giant bag of Ruffles chips, 2) French Onion dip, and 3) a sense of pride and accomplishment. I was proud of myself for what I gave wrinkly dick out of the goodness of my heart. If you are still reading this I ask that you think about the story of wrinkly dick over the weekend and beginning Monday morning start thinking of selfless acts that you can do to make the world a better place (if you are coming to the 88 Leonard rooftop party tonight you can actually start by paying my roommates and I back for all the alcohol we are generously providing…).
This was taken by Espen Rasmussen in Tehran, Iran in June of 2008. A woman golfing. Slightly different scenery in June of 2009....
I don't know why it took me a month to figure this album out, but now that I have I can't stop listening to it. Seriously it has to be playing at all times for me. I freaked out because I couldn't listen to it in the shower this morning without waking my roommate up and having one of those awesomely awkward roommate debacles. So obviously I stuck my head out of the shower and used my ipod. It was either that or not listen. F that. Go get this album. NOW.
I don’t know why I was thinking about this, and this is horrible Friday material, but when the last time I did something out of the goodness of my heart was (yes, my heart has goodness) . Opening doors for old ladies, giving a homeless person spare change, wearing underwear, etc. these things don’t count. I’m talking about seriously doing something positive for another human being, regardless of how those actions will affect you personally. This means volunteering at a soup kitchen on a Saturday morning for a program that your investment bank requires you to do, hungover as shit from the night before, feverishly perspiring, blue (frost) Gatorade in one hand ladle in the other, DOES NOT COUNT. Lets be honest we’ve all be there (no I don’t work at an investment bank, but I know the routine). I’m just as guilty here which is probably why I’m writing about it. In my sick mind publicly exploiting this moral dilemma somehow justifies the fact that I haven’t done anything for anyone in a very long time.
Everyone’s a sucker for a treasure hunt story (please see box office results for National Treasure and National Treasure 2 if you disagree. 2 horrible movies that made like a billion dollars). I heard this story about the Money Pit over the weekend and couldn’t help but be intrigued. 
Hey Dan what'd you do today?
